BOTM: Outdated

Front cover of the book Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed
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Jonathan "JP" Pokluda has counseled thousands of young singles through the pain and heartbreak of dating. He says, “No other issue facing single people today–nothing else in all of the human experience– causes as much interest, angst, confusion, curiosity, questioning, and pain as dating.” His book Outdated seeks to dispel the most common misconceptions about dating and offers alternatives for finding love that lasts. 

Pokluda disputes that singleness is a problem to be fixed: “This myth says that being single is an unnatural state, and that single people are not fully whole or healthy until they find someone else to give their lives meaning. It’s the whole ‘You complete me’ mentality, which is just bad Hollywood theology.”

“While you are single, whether that’s for a season or for the rest of your life, know that you’re not ‘less than.’ You’re not incomplete. Your singleness is not a problem to be fixed; it’s a gift to be used to live life more fully,” says Jonathan “JP” Pokluda.

According to Pokluda, the overarching goal of any date should be to determine whether the relationship should move forward–basically, whether there should be another date. He says you shouldn’t turn dating into this super complicated thing.

According to Jonathan “JP” Pokluda, “ It’s not complicated. It’s actually so simple. Be honest, be clear, and be intentional. Don’t play games, and don’t put up with people who do.”

Author Jonathan “JP” Pokluda warns that following your heart is terrible advice if your heart means your feelings. Because feelings have no wisdom or insight, don’t know what’s best for you, and are always changing, he believes you’re better off guarding your heart–introducing a healthy dose of logic to the process of dating so that you’re not driven by emotions.

“ Your goal in dating someone is not to “fall in love” with them, or to convince them to fall in love with you. It’s to determine whether they would make a good spouse for you, and whether you can each commit to each other and trust that the other person is equally committed,” said JP Pokluda.

Pokluda says he expects feelings to accompany decisions about marriage, but they shouldn’t be the basis for it. 

According to Pokluda, a focus on physical attractiveness makes dating harder than it has to be. As he points out, physical attractiveness has very little actual value when it comes to having a successful lifelong marriage.

“Learn to value the characteristics that can appreciate over time. Beauty depreciates; that “hot” guy or girl will definitely cool off as they age. But if you choose someone because they are kind, selfless, patient, and wise, they can actually become better at all of those things over time,” said JP Pokluda.

Breaking up is hard to do, but according to author JP Pokluda, if the end goal of dating is marriage, you should break up with someone as soon as you know you’re not going to marry them. 

He says, “One of the ways people tend to get this wrong is that they delay breaking up. They might try to wait for the ideal time or place to break up (whatever that would be)...But the best time to do it is truly now…Every date you go on, and every day that goes by with the two of you still together, just adds to their excitement and their certainty that this relationship is going to last…By trying to let them down easy, you inadvertently make it harder.”

Pokluda also says that when you break up with someone, you should tell them why: “Don’t leave them wondering what went wrong or what, if anything, they could have done differently.”

According to author JP Pokluda, “ A great principle to use in dating: Make it your goal to leave the other person better than you found them. Not that it’s your goal to leave them, but if it doesn’t work out and you do have to break up, you want them to be better off because of the experience.”